Last name: Fasting and the farmer(ish).
Age: Brand new.
Appearance: Two tractors crossing a field on TV.
Why do tractors cross a field on TV? Are they being chased by the police? Even better. It’s a race!
A tractor race. Yes! Doesn’t that sound amazing? Think of the nerve-wracking adrenaline that will vibrate through your body as you succumb to the incredible sight of two tractors racing against each other.
Is it really going to be on TV? Oh, it’ll do more than air, my friend. It will redefine television. It will be engraved in the public consciousness and go down in history.
A show about tractor racing? It’s true. BBC Three is back on TV and The Fast and the Farmer(ish) is one of its key titles. According to channel controller Fiona Campbell: “You’re not going to see that on any other channel. Everyone said it was a sight they had never seen before.
Do you think there’s a reason no one has seen a show about this before? Come on, have a little faith. Sure, The Fast and the Farmer(ish) sounds abysmal. But, admit it, Robot Wars too before you see it. A man and his dog too. Don’t scare the hare too.
Don’t Scare the Hare was awful, though. OK, yes, you have me there. But that won’t be the case.
do you remember Touch the truck? No, what was it?
It was an early Channel 5 game show about a group of sighted people who could touch a lorry the longest. I don’t remember at all. Why did you mention it?
Oh, no reason. Anyway, listen. Isn’t it good that we have a broadcaster willing to take big leaps like this? If all shows were exactly the same, television wouldn’t move on. We need people in our lives, like Campbell, who are willing to stake their reputation on the level of interest in a series about tractor racing.
I still don’t think it’s for me. Maybe you’re too old. Remember that BBC Three is a youth station, designed for viewers under 35. Maybe you don’t like what kids like.
And what do children like? National tractor racing competitions, apparently. Who knew?
Wait, is The Fast and the Farmer(ish) supposed to sound like The fast and the furious? Yes. Yes it is. Oh my God, you’re right, this is all going to be a massive disaster.
Say: “The Fast and the Farmer(ish) is the future of television entertainment.”
Do not tell : “Next on BBC Three, wheelbarrow jousting.”